Snuff

“Atishoo”

Only if you live in South Africa will you remember Rembrandt van Rijn and the cigarette factory in Heidelberg in the then Transvaal. I am not going to write about Remgro and the late Dr Anton Rupert as there is much to read about the gentleman. I am going to write about snuff and three hooked ladies in my life.

Mommy worked in Heidelberg as a Dairy Manager. Mommy told me how she was released from smoking in a dream. I used to buy her favourite cigarettes Rembrandt van Rijn from the Greek guy at the Harmony Corner Café in Nigel.

In those days kids were not allowed to smoke like they are today. We could however purchase cigarettes for our parents. Simply because children were to be seen and not heard the owner of the Café was informed that I am allowed to buy mommy cigarettes and if he knew what was good for him he would allow it.

Mommy’s cigarettes were on her bed stand as per usual and she had a dream. She dreamt that she had phlegm on her chest and that she pulled it out of her mouth and kept on pulling the disgusting stuff out by the bucket full. She was utterly disgusted and decided to have a puff to calm her nerves. She reached out for her cigarettes and stopped in pain. A Blinding jolt of pain through her outstretched arm and hand. Desperate for a cigarette she reached out again but the pain prevented her and then she woke up never to touch a cigarette again in her life.

She believed this dream to be a message from God. She never smoked again in her life. The cigarette company however had a by-product. The manufacturing process created a lot of tobacco dust. I only know because I once looked for a remedy to fight bugs in my vegie garden and was told by an old man to use tobacco dust. I phoned around and found tobacco dust at the factory and bought a bag full. It worked. Even insects could not stand the stuff.

Maybe it was mommy’s mom in heaven that sent her the message. Ouma (grandmother) Joey(Jane) was a chain smoker and died from lung cancer. My earliest childhood memories were of a Semi in Dunottar where she lived with her husband. We boarded there after my father’s death. I distinctly remember her sitting at the kitchen table smoking Stuyvesant cigarettes, while playing solitaire and listening to Springbok Radio. Granny Jane was sinning. I know she was sinning because she hid the radio and cards just before she expected her husband back from work. He forbade this evil pass time as it were from the devil. The smoking however he let pass as she was hooked solid.

The Café owner on the corner was informed that mommy’s youngest son was now officially allowed to purchase snuff. Tins of Singleton’s snuff. He liked me, I was a regular visitor and he allowed me to read “poesboekkies”(directly translated from Afrikaans would be vagina-books). These picture stories were also a sin and harmful to the young mind. I was the only one allowed to read these books and comics without having to buy them.

The irony was that the Apostolic Faith Mission church was within spitting distance from the café. My departed dad was a preacher of this church group and I was forced by mommy to attend church twice on a Sunday. No one ever reported me to her for my sinful behaviour because they knew what was good for them.

To be honest I think my mother was of the opinion that I was gay. I think my brother also believed that and did his best to make a man out of me by introducing me to alcohol, prostitutes and pornography as being gay would be the ultimate sin and I had to love vagina’s so vaginas was visited on me in every way shape or form available.

Censorship laws in our country were strict. All these things were forbidden by law.

I also played pinball in his shop. My cousin in Ermelo was forbidden to play pinball by his preacher father and off course he nominated me to be his partner in sin. I was posted to be a lookout if his dad should be within sight. He is himself a preacher today and I am certain he firmly believes I am still a sinner because I married a woman of colour and in doing so contaminated the proud family name.

This story is not about sin. It is about three women in my life hooked on snuff. I am also certain they won’t mind. Two are departed and the other open minded. The all did the snuff thing openly and did not care a hoot what anyone might think or have to say.

This snuff thing is disgusting. It is unhygienic end accompanied by germ spreading sneezing and disgusting brown stained tissues left everywhere. What fun can be had stuffing your finger into your nose? Ask any honest kid who dug for diamonds in their nose and ate it.

Problem is I loved all three of these snuffing women and tolerated their snuff rituals because I loved them. They were my mom officially named Martha, Sussanna, Catharina van Zyl and was lovingly called Porky by all who knew her. Take note of the double n and s in her name I intentionally repeated that feature in my youngest daughter’s name, Krissmonne. For those that do not know a Chrismon is known as the Monogram of Christ and could be found in a local church close to you. I am Afrikaans and deliberately spelled my child’s name the way I did with a K instead of a C.

Obviously I loved my mom because I knew what was good for me and I actually genuinely loved her. Then there was Ouma(grandmother) Jane,  my wife Monica’s grandmother and Tshidi a long time friend of my wife. One white, One Khoi San(mixed race that are officially known as coloureds in South Africa) and one African.

Mom was short and round and jolly. Ouma Jane must have been a lady in her previous life. She was very dark skinned with clear blue eyes. Thsidi is a traditional African Woman rooted in her culture. If you never knew a person that snuffed you will not understand the disgusting mannerisms and behaviour of this pass time. It is addictive as it is made from dried tobacco leaves.

Men during the old days preferred chewing tobacco and spitting everywhere. It was as or even more disgusting than snuffing. Women prefer snuffing to chewing tobacco. It does not matter how careful or ladylike they are, there is simply no way to snuff in a civilised or even ladylike manner.

I loved these women; two are no longer with us, I loved listening to them and could talk for hours. They are all matriarchs and they are all strong people. Ouma Jane would sit with me drinking beer, all the time stuffing her gums and nose with snuff.

The stuff is an irritant and makes you sneeze even if you just whiff it while you are in the vicinity of an addicted snuffer. Somehow I can never forget my mom’s tins of Singleton’s as I have bought many in my life for her. Of all three women she was the most ladylike with her habit and would not snuff in public. I witnessed her snuffing at home and she would normally excuse herself and go snuff in her room or in the toilet. The other two snuffed wherever and whenever it fancied them.

I have nasty habits of my own like smoking. Other habits I shall not elaborate on. I rehabilitated myself successfully from alcohol dependency. I guess we are free to kill ourselves in any manner we deem fit. That is a choice us sinners are given to shorten our lives on earth willingly if not unwisely.

The Ten Commandments does not forbid snuffing or smoking or for that matter using alcohol. It advises kings however that it is not becoming for their stature. Wanking or self-love is also not openly forbidden neither is poking your nose or scratching your bum in public.

I let people be when it comes to life choices whether it is sexuality, religion, culture or addiction. Life is too short to worry about other people’s choices to shorten theirs even further. There is more than enough evil and brutality in this world that is forbidden by law and justifiably so.

I never liked the habit of snuffing for obvious reasons but it never made me love these women any less. We all cleaned our baby’s stinky poo with a smile and with affection and most would not do it in public.

Imagine we were animals that snuffed each other’s backsides, licked our anus and genitals and fornicated and relieved ourselves in public. In general humans do not do that but some do. I however never observed them smoking, snuffing or using alcohol.

Why on earth do we say “Bless you” when people sneeze? It’s a rarity to let a sneeze shoot out without someone uttering the words, and quite often you won’t even know the person who says it. There are reasons and they have to do with superstition and involve people being separated by their souls when they sneeze and the like.

One thing I know for a fact is that it is dangerous when you sneeze while driving as you automatically close your eyes for an instant when you sneeze. I never observed a person snuffing when driving but we all know people who drive smoking, being drunk and drugged and some even being involved in sexual acts.

I therefore conclude that snuffing is maybe not as disgusting when we take that into consideration.

Bless You!