My Diary February 2014 onwards



 

Let me state it categorically

 

there is no final curtain

never was

never will be

life is eternal

and yes

I do life

my way

my daughter said to me

Daddy I just know things

I do not know how

that is and echo

of what I often say

I want to tell her

I know baby

and I know why

I spoke to her

before she was born

in her mothers tummy

and I assured her

of her worth

and I taught her

and I played

her music

that Is my way

I am spiritual

and fiercely so

now I am developing

my business

renewing it

and introducing

new ideas

the Bible tells me

to consult and to do it often

and it also tells me

I am only responsible

for one life

my own

yes I must share

I must care

I must love

but I shall only

 be "weighed" once

insecurities

uncertainty

I have them

determination

passion

I have them

the most important thing

I have

is

I  know

deep inside

I know

therefore

 I trust

I believe

I do

I dare

My way

peace and Love be with you

my brothers and sisters

Forever

Amen

doulos

 

Happy

 

Ok I shall

tell all

reluctantly

for I am not proud of it

I tell it

because my Stripes

are trophies

for the Grace of God

Alcohol was finally

destroying me

and those around me

I Just found a job

after many years

of searching

and I worked hard

very hard

Then tragedy struck

my wife's brother died

she was destitute

her anger at me

overflowed

and she had me

locked up

she was not going

to attend her

brother's funeral

with an obnoxious drunk

So I spent the night

in holding cells

they threatened

me with rape

fortunately

a young black guy

stood up and fought

them off

I got out

went back to my

old haunts

drinking my

sorrows away

I Got attacked

and assaulted

and left

Monday Morning

and I am woken

by sunlight

though I set my alarm

I jumped up

I needed the job

how could I oversleep?

I rushed to the car

started it, nothing

put on the radio

no sound

revving the car

I realised

I was deaf!

Rushed to work

The receptionist

looked at me in shock

I was deadly pale

I wrote her a note

I cannot hear

Was rushed off to ICU

I suffered a stroke

I was deaf

and the specialists

were fighting

for my life

It was painful

I was overwhelmed by fear

I struggled to breathe

I fought with the nurse's

fought with everyone

because I feared death

I was lonely

my wife was in Utrecht

I had no way to let her know

where I was

and preferred

to keep it

that way

I knew she was mourning

and did not want

to aggravate her pain

I prayed ceaselessly

first I prayed

that God would end

my Life

Then the fear of death

and visions

of the gates

of Hell

made me cry out

to Him

to spare my life

My greatest fear

was, that I

would never hear

my baby girl saying

"Daddy I love you"

I was lonely, forlorn

eventually Monica's cousin

came to visit

he brought

me toiletries

been without them

for days

My heart was in

a bad way

I needed an angioplasty

The hearing loss

was secondary

My dear friends

Hell is not pretty

I was there

and back

Under hypnosis

when asked

What happened

when you had a stroke?

my answer was

I died

worse were waiting

I was fired in ICU

they wrote me a note

that my position

was crucial

to the company

and that they

replaced me

with two guys

My world fell apart

my soul was torn

I was too cowardly

to accept death

Yet I survived

With the aid of

hearing aids

I can hear

though my

eardrum is perforated

as a result

of head trauma

By the Grace of God

I overcame

the beast of Bacchus

I am no longer

a slave to alcohol

Rehab is

another story

I told previously

elsewhere

on my blog

I tell this

to uplift

I tell this

in gratefulness

to the Mercy

of God

I wish for you

to be spared

what I deserved

to go through

May peace and love be with you

my brothers and sisters

Forever

Amen

doulos

Happy 2

 

 No more sad stories

I share because I care

I realise my experiences

are not unique

some might say

I feel sorry for myself

No I do not

I bare my soul

because

someone will resonate

I am not alone

the vibrations I give off

will be felt somewhere

I am not ashamed of me

I celebrate me

warts and all

The new year brings

new challenges

more sad news

deaths,strikes

interest rate hikes

mad politicians

everything is

working against us

or so it feels

I quote

They tax you when you’re born, they tax you when you die,
They tax you in between, they’re certainly not shy.
They tax you for your time, they tax you for your space,
They tax you for being in the human race.
so what is

the Good News?

yesterday is gone

that is

the good news

every time

we go through

trials and tribulations

we look back

and say

I survived

Thank god

I survived

I am OK

I have to dig deep

sometimes

to find joy in life

Then I wander

wander in my mind

wander on my feet

and consciously seek joy

I find it in nature

in raindrops

an insect

 a bird

a bloom

a smile

on a child's face

and I remember

that I am loved

Loved by the

Creator

so much

that my hair

is numbered

be it receding

greying

or just

are unkempt

Yes life

threatens

to overpower us

sometimes

When It get's too much

when we feel abandoned

hang tough

persevere

the sun

will shine again

just for you

simply because

you are loved

peace and love be with you

my brothers and sisters

Forever

Amen

doulos

 

 Shade

 

 

I want to apply a bit of ICU

Interpretation

context

and unction

to the way we sometimes think

I do not want to preach

I want to stimulate thought

So often we apply human emotion

when we describe

nature and animal behaviour

Yet animals will sometimes

prove us wrong

by doing exactly the opposite

of what we expect of them

so the "motherly love"

of a lioness

evaporates

when we see a lioness

devouring her cub

In the bible we read of humans

behaving the same way

in Lamentations we read

With their own hands,

 compassionate women boil their own children

— they become their food—

when my beloved people were destroyed.

A child drowns in human waste

in a pit toilet

and we ask

where was God?

why did God not protect

an innocent child?

when God does not make sense

we despair

and the only reason

He does not make sense

 depends on our perception

of what God is

so we apply our human emotion

to the Creator of the Universe

and sense becomes nonsense

we like to think

we were created

in His(their) image

and therefore

He (they)

must think like us

that is where we are wrong

the correct translation of image

is shadow

Image. The word for image is צלם,

and said, tselem.

So we are but a shadow

of the image of God

We cannot understand

what He is

we cannot think like

He does

He is the Word

we use words

His Love transcends everything

He killed His beloved Child

so we can live

Ehen we apply human

characteristics

to  a spirit being

we make

no sense

of what He does

or does not do

So the child died

an agonisingly cruel death

and we want to blame God

we do not know

the possible future

of the child

we do not know

what would become of him

and we are ready to judge

to assume

I comfort myself

thinking that the child

was set free

to become a spirit

to be closer

to his maker

Closer than you and I

can ever be while

we are imprisoned in

our skins

we are all but

many shades of grey

shadows are we all

and therein lies

our redemption

therein lies our freedom

Peace and love be with you

my fellow shadows

male and female and in-betweens

Forever

Amen

doulos

 

 Abuse

I have to speak out
a woman fled he country
after suffering emotional and physical abuse
for many years
she was too scared to leave
time and again she returned
to the abusive relationship
her  fear for what would become
of her children, kept her captive
she protected the abuser
when authorities and family
wanted to intervene
what is it ?
that keeps women trapped?
to answer that is not easy
and not as obvious
as one would like to think
Eventually he overstepped the mark
and went one step to far
by stabbing her
She got stabbed in the arm
trying to protect her head
she realised it could have been fatal
at last she realised
she had to leave or die
a heart rendering decision
leaving three small children
with this monster
that terrorised her for so long
he threatened again
after being sorry for a minute
mow he will kill himself and his children,
was his bait to force her return
Thank God, she did not get the message
thank God she is out of his reach
The Police  and the courts
failed her time and again
the system is ineffective and cumbersome
punishing the victim instead of the perpetrator
This man is a drug addict
a known criminal
and uses 'muti" to make him" invincible"
he is cocksure he will never be caught
convinced he can outsmart the law
and our patriarchal society
is aiding and abetting him
this must stop
our President
is part of the problem
not part of the solution
This polygamist
was accused of rape
and often makes demeaning comments
of women and their role in society
His administration is mum
domestic abuse
is tearing the fabric of our society
and all he does is being "shocked"
the reality is
men are the problem
and men must solve it
We need stringent laws
that are enforced without tolerance
He..he..he
is the face of the failure
of a leader
with very little moral conviction
I refuse to shut up
I shall speak out
because I too
were close to becoming
a monster in this regard
Let us spread peace and love
my brothers. let us serve and protect
the weak and fragile
let us be men